I’m uneasy. 
I’ve never went through anything like this before.
I have no idea what to say. 
How do I even approach a situation like this?

I am hesitating. 
I want to turn around. 
Go back. 
Home, maybe, or to the park we used to waste time together in.

My better self gets a hold of me and I walk to the guard nonetheless.

I stand still behind him. Do I tap him? Do I call out? Should I?

I clear my throat.

He turns to me. Looks at me from head to toe and asks “Yes?”

“I’m…I’m looking for Malone's...” I stammer “…Jenna Malone's?... From last week's...”

“And you are?” he asks me

What do I say?

What are we right now Jenna?

I look down at my feet.

“I’m…”

The guard starts walking.

 I’m thankful. I’m guessing he knows what I’m going through right now and refuses to ask any more.

I follow him and he points me to where you are. I thank him and he walks away.

I walk over to you.

I never planned for this but it poured out. Everything just poured out.

“Hey Jenna, do you remember what you asked me last week? What I love about you? I’m sorry. I had no idea what to say at that time. You got pissed and stormed out. Remember?” I take a deep breath and continue “I didn’t have time to make an official list so I apologize if I leave some things out but here it goes”

“I love the way your smile is always crooked. I love how your knees wobble when you laugh. I love how your nose crunches when we kiss. I love the way your hair dances in the wind. I love the little birthmark you have on your nape. I love how you’re embarrassed of it. I love how you get jealous of girls who approach me. I love how possessive you are and I love the way you make me feel.”

I breathe in…

…then out.

“I love how you assure me everything will be fine, especially when it doesn’t seem like it would.”

“Hey Jenna, don’t you think it just a tad bit unfair to love everything about you? Because I gotta tell you, I have some things I want to complain about.”

Silence.

“I really hate how you let your friends get the best of you” I start again “That night, I asked you not to go. I told you not to listen to them. I asked, pleaded, begged you to stay and you promised. You promised not to go.”

I weep.

“Jenna, I hate how you broke your promises. I hate it. You broke your promise Jenna and you promised me forever.”

No response.

Figures.

I held out the flowers in my hand and I gave it to her gently, while I wipe my tears.

I turn around and walk away.

I stop by the guard and without looking at him, all I could say was

“I was her boyfriend”

What was his reaction at that moment?

It doesn’t matter.

I bet he gets that all the time.

I continue walking.

Past the guard…

…past the gate…

…and away from this dreadful, dreadful graveyard.

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